Saturday, 15 October 2016

Dear Diary: It's okay not to be okay

Hannah Emily Lane

Dear diary,

The last month or so has been hard.

A lot has happened. I started back at university for my final year. I started back at work. I’ve been catching up with all my old work and uni friends. I’ve been settling back into university and studying again. I lost motivation and inspiration for my blog. I lost motivation for university and my ambitions for my career, I dreaded going back. I lost all my confidence. Panic attacks became an almost daily occurrence. I stopped eating and sleeping. My weight dropped to 6 and a half stone and I started spending every minute I could on my own in my bed.

I went to the university health centre and the doctor asked me lots of questions, I filled out a quiz and she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I started taking antidepressants immediately and counselling a couple of weeks after. I admitted to myself that I’m not coping, I’m unwell, that these thoughts are not normal.

Some days I feel like I’m getting better, that my thoughts and hopes for the future are more positive. I feel more myself and I can crack on with uni work, focus on reading and revising. Other days I have a panic attack before I’ve even got up in the morning, the dread for the day fills my body and there’s a huge weight pressing on my chest and constricting me.

I feel awful that I let my blog gather dust but sometimes you have to put yourself first. For the last month I couldn’t cope with the stress that blogging can occasionally bring, I didn’t want to write and take photos, but now I’m viewing it in a different light. My blog is an escape for me, the blogging community can be so supportive and blogging allows me to be creative. I want to get back into it as it can be so therapeutic.

I redesigned and my blog feels more 'me'. I have lots of content planned that I'm looking forward to writing and photographing. I have that motivation back. 

I’m trying my best. I’m realising how important it is to look after yourself, I’m starting to open up with people. My counsellor has given me lots of goals to work on, my university has been so supportive and understanding. Things are looking up, some days are hard but I’m coping a little bit better.

Positive mind. Positive vibes. Positive life. 

Hannah Lane

Hannah Emily Lane
Hannah Emily Lane

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